Climbing Steep, Falling Hard
by Ice Princess Xia
Summary: I’ve been given everything and taken advantage of it…I have nothing to give in return except a shell of a person and I just can’t do it anymore. warnings: trigger content, yaoi pairings 1x2 and previous 3x4, future citrus/lemon. dark content. OOC
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: I do not own the Gundam Wing franchise except for the series on DVD and a few mobile suit figures.

**Author Note**: Well, here is my latest story. I'm hoping for this one to be darker than my other stories and full of plenty of angst. It is set after the war and Endless Waltz so let's say AC 198. **PLEASE READ THIS NOTE.** This first chapter is the prologue and it is from _someone's_ point of view but I am NOT revealing whom! (Don't worry, you'll find out in the next chapter) The main points of this first installment is to 1) test the water, see if people are reading, 2) simply introduce the main character's thinking process in the darkest of times and 3) to see if people can guess who is speaking.

**This prologue might not make complete sense right now**, but I hope to have everything explained soon (definitely by the epilogue). The subject matter in this chapter can be very hard to understand unless you are in the situation. Moreover, please realize that because of its difficulty to understand it, it's even harder to explain. Even though I'm writing parts of this from experience, I can't even explain it correctly to even myself. I just hope that readers at least understand the _main facts_ of the situation.

In addition, I realize that my tenses are all over the place but I try to make it sound the most reasonable instead of bothering with staying in tense.

**Warnings:** **This chapter may contain trigger content!** It is about cutting and the thoughts one may experience while doing it so please do not read it if you know you can't handle it. There are yaoi couplings in the story but not so much in this chapter. Also, mild cursing but that's all for now.

Okay, now that's out of the way, please enjoy.

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I'm Climbing Steep and Falling Hard

Prologue

Water ran down my skin as I leaned against the wall in my shower standing completely still. I closed my eyes and took the time to feel as every droplet touched my skin and trickled down. At the moment, this was the only thing I _could_ feel; my head was as foggy as my bathroom mirror. Knowing that eventually I would have to retreat from this soothing place, I stood completely under the water and rinsed my face and hair. Once I felt warm all over, I turned the shower off bitterly not allowing myself to get used to the comfort of it all. I pushed the shower curtain aside and began drying myself off with a nearby towel that was much too fancy for my liking. I stepped carefully onto the carpet in front of me and got dressed halfway as I attempted to dry my hair. Looking to my left, I gazed at my foggy mirror and imagined that even if I hadn't just showered that was how I would see it now but regardless; I slowly walked over and rubbed some of the condensation away. My thoughts raced back and forth confusing me to no end, but it all pointed to the same solution for my problems

Rubbing my hair with my towel once more, I placed it on top of the hamper in my bathroom. My eyes wandered over the fancy marble countertops and the gold embellished faucets before I looked up to face myself in the mirror. There I stood in black tie pants and boxers, staring at my bare-chested reflection. I gazed at my tired features and tried to remember the last time I had had a decent night sleep. Running my hands over my arms, I drew myself close into a pathetic hug, knowing all too well that I was longing for a real one from anyone who would bear to give it. I closed my eyes in vain trying my best to hold in the tears like I always did but upon moving my arms away from myself, my eyes fell upon my nightmare.

My upper body was littered with the scars of my past. Thin white and pink scars covered my chest and upper arms. My shoulders were especially spoiled; permanent proof of my mistakes. Some scars were courtesy of OZ, though I had gained many since the end of the war; I had forgotten how many in fact. I longed for my eyes to close and open to find that my body wasn't deformed with such things anymore but to no avail. Smiling cynically to myself, I shouldn't feel bad though. It wasn't as if it hadn't been my intention to put those marks there, at least at the time.

Everyone has at least one big secret. Some people cheat on their spouses, some commit crimes and some are just liars, but me? At one time, my secret was being a Gundam Pilot, one of the fiercest killers alive…but now, I was only a shell of a person. I used to be feared by people all over the universe…and now, I only frightened myself. I have never done drugs before in my life, but I still suffer from addiction.

I am addicted to cutting myself.

Let me clarify. I am addicted to the sense of control that I achieve when I cut myself. I'm not a masochist, it's not as if I enjoy the pain, in fact, I wish I could feel the pain more so maybe this could all stop naturally. Thinking on it now, I can't remember how I even started this foolish habit beyond the fact that it began during the war. Killing mercilessly and yet knowing that it was the right thing to do to achieve peace? It tore me down. I felt so angry all of the time at everything…I needed to feel real, feel human, somehow…and watching the blood run down my arms seemed to prove that and release my pain. Cutting made my anger something real and tangible instead of just a useless emotion. And it's always just too damn easy. During the war, there usually was no one around to save me from myself so I would slip away…but even here now living with the other four former Gundam pilots, I find myself secluded. I wanted to be with them so badly and I wanted them to understand and just hold me as I cried into them freely…but my pride would always stop me from that.

I love all of my friends dearly…they give me everything in the world that they could without even knowing it. I tried not to think of it now though for my heart was too weary thinking of all the things I'll leave behind tonight. My friends, a warm home, a life that was nearly perfect…but I was not perfect. I did not deserve this life that had been dealt to me so kindly.

I clutched the countertop harshly feeling tears rushing to my eyes again. I didn't want to be selfish and I didn't want to leave my friends but as I stood there looking at myself in the mirror, I saw nothing. I saw a marred and broken human with blood on his hands…too much blood. What's the point of living a life for myself if I cannot stand who I have become? I moved slowly and drew a knife that I had hidden there long ago out of my bathroom drawer and placed it on the counter, staring at it. I looked back into my own weary eyes, finding tears forming there again. Yes, I would do this again; I would cut myself again but this time not to prove anything to myself. This time would be my last. I reached for the knife on the counter and held it in my shaking hands as I moved out of my bathroom, shutting the light off as I passed. It was just light enough inside my room to see a few feet in front of me but that's all I really needed.

Time stops momentarily as I hear a noise outside the door…but soon I smile bitterly. My eyes sting with the realization that it's just the air conditioning turning on. No one has come to save me…no one has come to hold me and dry my tears. I'm still alone. But then again, why would they come? It's not as if they knew what was happening in my room in this moment. Why would they come…why should they? I sigh to myself feeling the anger spread like a virus inside me. I tightened my grip in the knife and closed my eyes firmly.

How dare I expect my friends to come when I haven't even the courage to tell them that I need them? They've given me everything and I've just taken advantage of it…I have nothing to give in return except a shell of a person…and I just can't do it anymore.

Sighing heavily to myself, I feel overwhelmed and fall to my knees. I can't stop the tears that slip through my closed eyes and I raise a hand to my cheeks. My tears run down my cheeks leaving trails of heat on my face. Forgetting the knife I had dropped next to me, I can't stop from curling into myself somewhat letting my tears fall bitterly. I cry silently until I am calm like always and I sit up again still resting on my knees. Looking in front of me emptily, I merely breathed and savored my last moments. Closing my eyes one last time, I hung my head in shame, taking another deep breath. My eyes brim with tears again as I open them looking towards my room door and thinking of my friends sitting in the living room down the hall. If someone would only come to my door…

Suddenly without hesitation, I grab the knife and swiftly press it to my wrist, dragging it along the skin making sure it dug deep enough in to accomplish my task. I flinched and was surprised to feel pain…but it went away shortly afterwards leaving me to my thoughts once again. I quickly performed the same wound on my other wrist before I could lose feeling and motion in my hand. Void of any emotion, I tossed the knife away from myself and waited. I stopped trying to blink back the tears as they clouded my already fading vision. I could feel myself swaying but for once didn't have to fight against it or my extreme loss of blood. Not able to hold myself up any longer, I let my body fall to the floor and onto my left side. Darkness was overcoming me and I gave my last thoughts to my friends one more time.

"The stress of life was just too hard…I'm sorry…" My voice slurred and my eyelids began drifting downward though not enough to close or stop the tears still pouring from my weary eyes.

My body ached all over as I felt as my blood flowing from me taking my life with it; I closed my eyes finally feeling somewhat at peace. 'Everyone will be okay without you…' I assured myself once more knowing that soon it would be over.

Suddenly, I willed my eyes open again seeing a bright light ahead thinking it was all over…but I couldn't move towards it before it began to grow dim. What was happening? I brought myself enough to my senses to see that someone was kneeling in front of me and I began to breathe heavier, hearing as my body wheezed my dying breaths.

"Shit…" I heard someone say. "Call an ambulance now!" And then firm hands were around me but my body was finally numb; I couldn't tell even where they were holding me…I was fading still but I felt safe in those arms. I wanted to open my eyes to see who had rescued me but I couldn't will them to open again. Yet still there were tears flowing down my cheeks…I could still feel that up until I faded completely into the darkness with only one remaining thought.

Someone had finally found me.

_End_

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Again, I realize that it might be hard to understand now, but I promise everything will (hopefully) be explained in the correct manner. In the mean time, who do YOU think was speaking here? Tell me what and who you think in a review because reviews make all of us writers happy! Plus, your feedback could really help me in my own writing and how I could explain things better. 

Also, if you have a question for me about any of my stories or anything at all really, I have created Q&A forums so you can check those out if you'd like.

Chapter one is already written so hopefully in about a week (depending on how much attention this story gets) I'll post that one and reveal who is actually speaking.

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing.


	2. Chapter One

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing…not yet at least.

Author Note: I'd like to start this author note with a big **THANK YOU** to my reviewers: **Bigsister2, SkittleGoddess and Amber Dreams**!!!!!! You guys really are the greatest especially to read this after I so shamelessly begged in my other story. I hope that this chapter is up to standard and enjoyable for you!

**::Important Note PLEASE READ::**

Okay, so the last chapter was of course from _someone's_ POV but I tried my best not to reveal who is was exactly. Now, **this chapter is from third person POV.** The reason that this chapter is from third person was for dramatic purposes and to give more background info on all of the pilots and their relationship as of now with the pilot who was speaking in the last chapter. (hope that made sense…don't wanna give it away before you get the chance to read it) Remember that this does take place after Endless Waltz and everything in the series so this chapter tells what the pilots have been up to until now.

I really want this story to be darker and different from my other stories but don't worry, there will still be fun moments and all that even if it's because I simply can't resist cute moments between these boys.

**Warnings:** This story contains trigger content! Not so much in this chapter but later on definitely. This chapter does have mention of yaoi couplings including 1x2 and previous 3x4 (as mentioned in the summary) Also, mild cursing.

Okay, another long note out of the way. Enjoy the chapter!

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Chapter One

"Yes, how may I help you boys?"

Heero Yuy stood in front of three of his good friends and former Gundam pilots staring angrily at the nurse before them. He wanted to respond to her confused and scared expression but his mind was racing out of control with thoughts of the events leading to their going to the hospital. The frustrated brunette, trying to be at least somewhat courteous, moved his upsetting gaze from the nurse to the desk in front her, clenching his fists tighter with each passing moment. He wasn't mad at her after all, just mad in general. Noticing his friend's demeanor, Trowa Barton stepped forth from behind him and looked to the nurse sadly. She still looked somewhat disturbed but welcomed his calmer expression.

"Is there something I can do for you four?" She spoke softly, obviously terrified of the angry man to her left but still wanting to help them. Trowa looked back at the miserable faces of his comrades before replying quietly.

"Yes ma'am, we're here to see Chang Wufei."

Heero's glare intensified as the sentence left Trowa's mouth and immediately his thoughts were drifting again.

------------------Flashback-------------------

Hesitatingly slightly, Heero nodded to himself once more before closing his laptop and standing from his desk chair. Before he could change his mind, he willed himself from the room and walked down the hallway meeting up with Duo in the kitchen. Duo, who was making popcorn at the time, immediately smiled when the cobalt-eyed teen entered the room.

"So, you finally decided to take a night off for once, huh Hee-chan? You can finally fit us into your extremely exclusively busy schedule?" Heero rolled his eyes at Duo's condescending tone but upon getting close enough, leaned in to kiss his boyfriend on the cheek anyway. Duo smiled still as Heero walked past him heading for the living room.

"Don't get too used to it but yeah, I'm taking a break." Heero continued walking into the living room finding Trowa setting up the movie for the evening and Quatre talking with Wufei behind the couch.

"Are you sure you don't want to watch the movie? We _can_ be fun to hang out with you know." Wufei smiled slightly to Quatre's comment but shook his head.

"No thanks. I think that I am just going to take a shower and call it a night but you guys have fun without me." Heero thought he heard something strange in Wufei's tone and Trowa seemed to notice as well.

"Are you sure you're feeling well Wufei?" The Chinese teen waved the question off as he began walking away.

"I'm just tired is all…don't worry about me." Again, Heero heard something off but couldn't question it further as Wufei disappeared into the darkness of the hallway. Shortly after Wufei had left, Duo appeared with two giant bowls of popcorn and a pout on his face.

"No Wufei this time?" Quatre shook his head at Duo looking worriedly but Duo did his best to lift the mood.

"Well, it's his loss I guess. I popped the popcorn perfectly." Heero's lips curled into a smile as Duo held the popcorn before him and offered a bowl to Quatre for him and Trowa to share. Duo then turned to Heero and grabbed his hand, forcefully pulling him to sit next to him on the couch. Once everyone was settled, Trowa hit the play button and the movie began.

The four pilots found the movie to be quite entertaining despite its sappy undertones. Things got especially interesting when Duo began inserting his own commentary for the actors…let's just say it got to a point where Heero had to kiss him in order to shut him up. Quatre just laughed at the two and Trowa smiled thoughtfully at them but unexpectedly the happy times were cut short. About an hour into the movie, Quatre suddenly began breathing heavily and raggedly. Duo, who was sitting next him, immediately noticed. He turned to the blonde with a sarcastic comment ready but stopped short with one look at the pained expression on Quatre's face.

"Quatre? What's wrong?" Both Heero and Trowa tore their eyes from the movie to look at Quatre who was now clutching his shirt and leaning forward in pain. Duo squeezed Heero's hand harder as Trowa had instantly moved to Quatre's side kneeling on the floor next to him and asking him what was wrong. Heero stared intensely at his friend feeling his own heartbeat speed up. Quatre grunted in pain as he fell to his knees on the floor next to Trowa breathing even heavier. Trowa wrapped his arms around him not knowing what else to do while Duo moved to Quatre's other side, questioning him a noticeable fear laced in his voice.

"Quatre, what's going on? What's hurting?" With his eyes still shut tightly, Quatre was able to speak two pained words that he hoped would help before it was too late.

"He's…dying…" Everyone furrowed their brow at this and Trowa gathered Quatre into his arms trying to calm him down.

"Quatre what do you mean?"

Heero's eyes grew wide suddenly and he instantly pushed himself off the couch, almost stumbling he was moving so quickly, and began running down the hallway. He faintly heard Duo calling after him as he finally reached Wufei's room and threw open the large door. Once the door had opened light from the hallway flooded into the dark space and everything seemed to hit Heero all at once. He stared into the room seeing a barely conscious and bleeding Wufei lying on the ground before him. His feet carried him to his friend's side as he observed the wounds more closely and the blood-stained knife sitting not too far away. His eyes stopped on the Chinese teen's tear-covered stare and his mind went into overdrive with the emotions he was feeling.

"Shit…" Heero looked back finding Duo standing in the doorway with his hand over his mouth and his mind returned for the moment.

"Call an ambulance now!" Turning back to Wufei, Heero noticed his wheezing breaths and wrapped his arms around him firmly trying his best to gently get him out of the room.

The rest had been a blur; Quatre's horrified face and tears, Trowa's sad yet pensive appearance and Duo's intensely emotionless stare. At first when they were waiting for the ambulance, Heero was more concerned but soon, as his thoughts meandered, he could feel the anger brewing until eventually it had taken him over. He was again awoken by Duo's voice and hand pulling him to the car. Heero's expression softened at Duo's fearful tone of voice and he knew that he had to be there for his boyfriend but he also knew his anger would not be calmed so easily.

-------------------End Flashback--------------------

Heero focused back on the nurse in front of him as she typed away on her computer. He could hear Quatre sniffling behind him and mentally tried to will the nurse to move faster.

"Okay, here it is…Chang Wufei…he's actually not out of surgery yet so I'm afraid you'll have to wait in the waiting room. I'll alert the doctors working on him that he has guests though. They'll come and talk to you once things have settled down. You can fill out guest paperwork later." The nurse smiled sadly to the four boys and Trowa nodded his thanks before they began trudging towards the waiting room.

Trowa, who seemed to be the most clear-headed of the group, led the way to the waiting room and held the door open until everyone was inside. Fortunately, for the pilots, no one else was currently occupying the room so they could have time to themselves to think. Choosing to sit almost opposite the door, the green-eyed teen sat quietly in his chair and his expression returned to its previously pensive state. Trowa and Wufei had actually become closer since the end of the war because they had both decided to become part of the Preventers. Even though it was hard for Trowa to leave Cathy behind, they don't call it a _traveling _circus for nothing; he knew that they would see each other again. So, under Lady Une's command, he and Wufei were assigned as partners and even shared an office together. They still didn't talk to each other very much but rather they understood each other a lot better, which was why Trowa was pensive in the first place. It had been truly shocking for everyone to see Heero carrying the barely aware Wufei from his room and watch him be placed into an ambulance; however, Trowa was not worried about whether or not Wufei would survive. He was almost positive, in fact, that the Chinese would make it through; his concern was placed more on why Wufei tried to kill himself in the first place. To his knowledge, Trowa had not known of any problems Wufei was going through and he didn't think that any of the other pilots knew what was wrong either especially considering their faces now as he looked around the room. Trowa was especially worried about his blonde ex-boyfriend.

Deciding to seat himself between Trowa and Duo, Quatre continually rubbed his puffy red eyes as he impatiently waited. Physically, Quatre was certainly the worst of the group having suffered from his empathic attack and now looking as though he had been crying for days. Outside of all this, Quatre, of course, was running WEI and held a very steady position over the company; he had already done many things to improve conditions all over the universe though he much better enjoyed the time he spent with his fellow pilots. He always knew that after a stressful day at work, he could come home to their friendly faces. Now, one of those friends was in the hospital. More tears found their way to Quatre's eyes at the thought of losing Wufei…he prayed that the day would never come and especially not now. Quatre thought that the Chinese teen had softened since the end of the war but no one else really saw it. Even though they didn't talk much, Quatre still felt very comfortable talking with him about anything and he always knew that Wufei would be honest with him no matter what. Quatre just held that too dear to his heart to let it fade away now. Looking to his left and right, the blonde knew that he would never let any of his friends fade away. Noticing that more tears were falling down his face, Quatre swiped them away before feeling Trowa's eyes towards him. He nodded to his friend and watched as Trowa's hand moved to rest on his leg softly to comfort him, which Quatre appreciated but he focused more on other things such as Duo's outwardly lost expression beside him.

After plopping down into his very uncomfortable seat, Duo had immediately distracted himself by running various recipes through his head. After the war, Duo hadn't a clue of what to do with his life and, after seeing an advertisement on television, he decided to take a cooking class just to learn the basics. He ended up falling in love; of course, he had always loved food and eating it but he found every aspect of food to be glorious after his class. Now the other pilots insisted that he cook for them instead of dreading it, which only made Duo happier. However, Duo's sad thoughts could only be held at bay by cakes and candies for so long. As he stared blankly across the waiting room, Duo only felt numb. He had been completely shocked at the entire situation from the moment Quatre had begun breathing heavy to the moment when he looked into Wufei's room and saw his friend's body motionless on the ground; he was completely baffled by it. 'How could this happen to any of us?' was the only question Duo could form in his mind. And especially to Wufei. They had survived so much before this; Duo just couldn't wrap his head around it. The braided teen closed his eyes at the thought of his friend. Duo and Wufei had grown a lot closer after the war but, as they do, things changed between them and recently they had drifted apart. Duo only hoped that now he could have another chance to fix his mistakes.

Last in the row of pilots was Heero who, upon sitting down next to Duo, had instinctively grabbed and held his hand attempting to comfort them both. Once he and his other friends had settled into their home on Earth, Heero had somewhat surprisingly become a photographer for a local magazine and soon afterward, it was obvious to the other pilots that he and Duo were more than friends. No one minded, especially since Trowa and Quatre had already become a couple as well, and they thought that it was a good match to mellow out Heero somewhat. Moreover, Heero had indefinitely grown to enjoy his new life as he grew close to the pilots. Heero glared at the wall in front of him though upon thinking of Wufei lying helpless on the floor of his room; the two had an unspoken and powerful friendship but also some tension between them.

Yet, despite his newfound love and friendship, Heero still had one secret left to hide from his friends…one final mission that he was determined to complete.

Everyone's thoughts were interrupted when the door to the waiting room opened revealing a doctor dressed in light blue scrubs. He was not much taller than Trowa but was obviously muscular and looked around thirty years old with brown tufts of hair sticking out from underneath his medical cap. He shot a look to the boys silently saying that he had something to tell them. Knowing that he was the only one fit to speak to someone without mauling them completely, Trowa stood from his chair and walked over to the doctor gracefully. Duo squeezed Heero's hand tightly while moving his other hand to Quatre's leg, giving it a gentle squeeze as well. Quatre only sniffled in return trying to focus on something as to prevent himself from moving to shake the doctor's shoulders violently demanding the status of his friend. Heero merely watched intently but as much as he strained could not hear what either was saying. After a few moments, the doctor looked at Trowa sympathetically and put a hand on his shoulder before turning to walk away. Nodding his thanks, Trowa turned away from the doctor and could not hide the look of horror on his face. The others stood as Trowa approached them and looked to him fearfully. Their green-eyed friend blinked and sighed heavily before looking to his friends sadly.

"I'm afraid that I have some…appalling news." Trowa's voice was obviously quivering as he spoke but the pilots just waited patiently.

"Wufei…he…he has scars of the same variety…all over his body." Trowa paused desperately trying to breathe correctly but his shivering would not cease. Quatre gasped putting his hand over his mouth as more tears rolled down his cheeks and heard as Duo inhaled heavily before turning and hugging Heero roughly. Heero merely glared at the ground but almost naturally, his arms wrapped around Duo's back. Trowa continued.

"The doctors want to…check his mental stability." Trowa jumped slightly when Heero looked him dead in the eye, still glaring angrily.

"How long?" Trowa understood the question but didn't want to answer it knowing the implications that were ahead. Heero didn't budge though, only looking at Trowa more sternly. Eventually, Trowa gave in.

"They think…years." Trowa barely whispered the last part before Quatre pulled him into a hug. They all heard as Heero spat a curse word. Trowa kept his gaze on Heero knowing that something just wasn't right and didn't find it surprising when, the moment Duo had let go of him to comfort Quatre, Heero instantly dashed out the doorway.

"Heero! Where the hell is he going?" Duo stared after his lover confused and looked to Trowa who frowned.

"He's going to interrogate him…" It was Quatre's turn to curse loudly before he separated himself from the other two.

"We have to go after him…doesn't he know that this is no time to do that?" Trowa smiled ever-so-softly as Quatre changed his demeanor into 'leader-mode' and the blonde looked to his friends expectantly.

"How did Heero even get the room number?" Duo was still a bit baffled; he hoped that it was because of his frazzled emotions.

"He can read lips you know." With that said, Trowa revealed the room number to the others and they were on Heero's tail through the hospital hallways.

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Well? Tell me what you think of chapter one! Was it horrible? It's kind of a cliffy and it has a lot of stuff in it that will be discussed and answered later (like why Heero is so dang angry!), don't worry, but I hope that it was enjoyable and understandable. Next chapter and probably the rest of them will be first-person again and you'll get to learn what led to all of this.

And, just because I'm saying it in all of my most recent updates, I am going to try my best to update as quickly as possible but I am back in school now so it might not be quite as frequent. Thank you!

Please Review! I love reviews :-D


	3. Chapter Two

Disclaimer: I do not own the Gundam Wing boys and if I did…I wouldn't share.

Okay readers, here is the next chapter of Climbing Steep, Falling Hard! I know it's been a while since I've update and I hate to say it'll probably be another while until I update again but hopefully I haven't lost many readers. And, for those returning, here's a quick recap of what's happened.

**Recap (if you need one)**: Wufei tried to kill himself only to be stopped by Quatre's empathy and Heero's quick thinking. The four follow Wufei to the hospital and wait for his updated status. We learned that Trowa and Wufei are partners at the Preventers under Lady Une's command, Quatre is head of Winner Enterprises, Duo is an amazing chef and currently dating Heero who is a photographer. We also learned that Quatre and Trowa are **ex**-boyfriends and that Heero still has a few secrets he's keeping. When they get a status update, it's revealed that Wufei's been cutting himself for years; at hearing this, Heero gets angry and storms off. And that's where this chapter picks up!

**::: Author Note ::: Please Read!!!** Writing this based on my own personal experiences, I think my hardest task for this chapter was finding the balance for Wufei's character. Because I am a woman ((cough-girl)) myself, at first I found myself writing Wufei very girly; crying a lot and indecisive. So, I went back through and rewrote some things because at the end of the day Wufei is a guy and not just that, he's freakin' Wufei and a real hot-head. However, then I remembered how broken Wufei is supposed to be in this story (hence, in the prologue) and I was really quite torn on what to do with him. I did the best that I could but I do apologize if his character seems especially shaky.

**Another Small Note**: I did change the rating of this story from Mature to Teen however, it will change back to mature a few chapters from now. I was just hoping that maybe if I changed it to Teen, I might attract more readers. We'll see.

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Chapter Two – Wufei's POV

I opened my eyes only to find that I needed to close them again; too much light, which was odd considering I thought I was dead for some reason. Attempting to open my eyes again, I looked at my surroundings and realized immediately that I was in a hospital. My mind drew a blank. I shifted uncomfortably trying to sit up in my bed and my attention flew to the lack of strength in my arms and the bandages on my wrists. Suddenly, it all came back to me in a flash.

_Someone had found me_. _Someone had finally saved me._ Tears began to brim my eyelids at the thought in both happiness and the slightest fear. Of course, I had wanted someone to find me; I did not want to die, but I had never expected it to actually happen…and now that it had? I wasn't so sure what I wanted anymore other than for everything to just be over with. I knew what would come next would be both good and bad; good because I didn't have to hide anymore but bad because I _couldn't_ hide anymore…and also because of the look on Heero's face as he barged into my room.

"When and why did this start?" Reluctantly, I winced at his tone; not only was it loud but it was full of disappointment and pain. Feeling uncomfortable, I looked away and clutched my bed sheets tightly causing my wrists to hurt.

"Dammit Wufei! How long have I…" Heero clenched his fists in frustration and I almost thought he was going to punch something. Instead, he began to pace in front of me probably trying to decide on either what to ask me next or how to get me to answer him in the first place. I guess I should've known that Heero would feel strongly about the situation but honestly I didn't quite know what he was so mad about. Fortunately, I was sort-of saved as Quatre entered my room.

"Heero! Now is not the time or place to interrogate. Do you _want _to send him to the Trauma Center?" Quatre seemed almost furious as spoke through gritted teeth and walked to Heero a glare on his face; however, despite his menacing expression I still caught the red puffiness of his eyes and frowned. The two suddenly began a screaming match in my room causing me to cringe again.

"We have a right to know what the hell's been going on!"

"And he has a right to tell us when he's comfortable NOT when he's being screamed at!"

I jumped when I saw Duo at my bedside; he looked lost and sad and I lowered my eyes in disgrace only to feel Duo clutch my hand tightly. It was strange to feel Duo's hand in mine again after what seemed so long. Beyond Duo, I saw Trowa standing just beyond the doorway staring sadly at Quatre and Heero. He looked to me briefly catching my eye and showed his concern.

"What in the…" Apparently, Quatre and Heero's screaming match had alerted other people because suddenly a portly red-headed nurse was in the doorway staring at them appalled at the sight. Taking a deep breath and puffing up her chest a little, the nurse began to storm into the room only to be stopped by Trowa's hand. She looked to him angrily but he stared back at her emotionless and straight-faced. I strained to hear as he spoke to her.

"I am terribly sorry for the noise but unless you have a death wish, you'll want to leave these two to me." I would have smirked at the nurse's shocked and frightened face as she turned to leave, or rather, as Trowa gently shoved her out the door but I was alerted again to Quatre and Heero's yelling.

"He tried to kill himself Quatre and you're not even wondering why!"

"Of course I am! I just want him to tell us when he's ready!"

"If he wanted to tell us he would've told us about this a long time ago and then we wouldn't be here right now, would we?"

At that, I wanted to scream back at them and tell everyone to just shut up. I felt tears stinging my eyes and I cursed myself for being weak in this particular moment. I struggled not to show it, but attempting to hold in my sobs only made it more obvious as my body shook uncontrollably. I knew that they were both only concerned for my health but they hadn't the slightest idea of why I even did this…I just wanted them to stop fighting about it. I felt Duo tighten his hold around my hand and heard as Trowa took some action and moved closer to the fight.

"Both of you shut up." Trowa hadn't even said it very loudly but within moments, Quatre and Heero had stopped yelling and were now looking to me regretfully. Quatre was looking extremely apologetic and stepped forward some.

"Wufei…" I closed my eyes for a moment, taking a few deep breaths, and opened them again once my mask was in place looking to my friends.

"You guys…I'm fine. Really, it's my concern I just…you shouldn't worry. It's my problem to deal with."

"Oh yeah, you're fine. Fine enough to try and kill yourself?" Trowa shot Heero a menacing look and I couldn't stop myself from wincing again. I was actually beginning to get quite annoyed with Heero's tone. You'd think that after going through the ordeal that I did, someone wouldn't talk to me like that but not Heero Yuy I guess. Quatre turned on Heero again heatedly but Trowa interjected before another fight could break out.

"Either you two need to leave the room right now or you need to shut your traps and stop upsetting everyone." That effectively shut them up. I took in a shaky breath, able to taste the tension in the air.

"Guys I…just had a moment of…it won't happen…I'm fine, I'll handle…" I fumbled with my words; I wanted so badly to break down and tell them that I needed help but yet again my pride was standing between me and my inner voice. No matter how much I truly wanted their comfort, I would not be caught needing them for it. There was an awkward silence before Quatre's small voice broke through.

"Wufei…the doctors told us they found the scars all over your body…you're not okay…" He sniffled and, feeling exposed, I released the shaky breath I hadn't realized I was holding in; I couldn't turn to face him or any of them in fact. My mind was still too mixed up to deal with questions. It was then that I heard Trowa sigh and speak, his voice sounding terribly tired.

"Obviously something isn't right…but we'll wait for you to come to us." I glanced up to Trowa briefly before lowering my gaze again. "The doctors want to keep you here overnight at least one night, if not more…so we'll be back tomorrow and we'll see how things are going, okay?"

I nodded feeling tears at the corners of my eyes and still did not face my friends. I listened as they all began to shuffle slowly out of the room and felt as Duo's hand left mine, a cold chill settling in its place. Once the door was closed, I whispered the words I could not share with them feeling tears fall down my face.

"Don't go…" My tears were flowing freely now and I was in no condition to stop them. I clutched my sheets in my fists even tighter becoming angry with myself. Why couldn't I just tell my friends that I needed them? I heard a sigh next to my bed and I was shocked to look up and find Trowa still in my room. I was about to wipe my eyes but what was the point now? He was looking at me with a sad expression but I tried my best to keep his gaze as he spoke to me.

"Look, Wufei. The doctor really wants to keep you here because he wants you to talk to someone about what's going on." I sighed a little and nodded, telling Trowa to go on. His expression changed from worried to curious. "My question for you though is do you think that's what you need? Or do you think that maybe you just need us?"

I stared at him a little shocked and it must've shown entirely on my face because Trowa raised his eyebrow in silent questioning. "Um, well, I guess I just didn't think I'd get an option." Trowa nodded understandingly.

"The way I see it, all of us have been through a lot in our lives and while your actions are still surprising, I guess that I can understand where the roots might be coming from. I, and I'm sure the others too, just don't want you to feel forced into something you don't need." His lips curled into the slightest smile and I nodded my thanks. "We'll talk more about it tomorrow. I can talk to the doctor about it." After seeing my nod, Trowa silently left me to my thoughts.

Replaying Trowa's words in my mind, I realized how much Trowa was really doing for me when it seemed that the others were preoccupied. I guess I shouldn't be surprised though; underneath his emotionless clown mask, Trowa really was like a mother hen keeping us all in line. Plus, who better to deal with these sorts of matters then my partner at Preventers; even though we didn't talk often about personal matters, I felt like I was closest to Trowa out of all the pilots. Breathing deeply, my thoughts wandered on.

Now that the initial shock of it all was over with, I do honestly feel some relief now that the pilots know my secret. I think that a big part of my more recent turmoil was in actuality caused by that simple fact of my keeping it from them; however, that was only the first half of the hardest part in all this. Revealing the secret was unintentionally dealt with but now it was time to handle the barrage of questions, hopefully with no more yelling involved though and hopefully not any random therapist either. It's going to be hard enough to explain all this to the guys but they've at least experienced war and horrors of the sort that anyone else wouldn't really understand. I sighed though still, beginning to feel numb once more.

Trying to distract myself, I stared out of my room window hoping for something interesting to happen.

* * *

After several more hours of lying awake in my hospital bed scratching at my bandages, dawn finally broke. All that there was to do now was wait for Trowa's arrival and hope for a less emotional day.

Probably around lunch time, I watched Trowa approach my door and looked over to him longingly, telling him that I wanted out. I was half expecting him to ignore it and convince me otherwise but, without speaking a word, Trowa read my expression and walked away. I sighed in relief that Trowa knew what I had wanted and accepted it. Feeling a bit better, I sat up more in my bed and glanced over as Trowa and a doctor walked back into my room. The doctor smiled at me and I nodded back to him.

"Hey Wufei, I'm just going to give you a small check-up before you go, if that's okay with you." I nodded to him noting the not-so-happy tone in his voice and cooperated as he checked me over, asking me questions and writing my stats down on a chart. Once that was finished, the doctor turned to me again.

"Well, that's all. Now Wufei," He paused, raising his eyebrows at me for emphasis. "I'm going to release you from the hospital; normally I wouldn't allow that but Dr. Po seems to think that's what's best for you and assures me that this young man is capable of handling things so I'm all but forced to leave you in his care. Do realize though that after injuries like these, you'll be weak for the next few days, so take it easy, all right?" I nodded to the doctor resisting the urge to roll my eyes and he forced a smile before turning to Trowa and telling him something probably having to do with if I tried anything else. At this point though, I didn't really care because I was going home; hospitals just made me uncomfortable for more than one reason. The doctor spoke to both of us then.

"Dr. Po has already set up an appointment for you to see her when you need your stitches out; the nurse at the check-out station will give you the time for that. Take care now."

Once the doctor had left the room, Trowa moved to the edge of my bed. I looked to him; I was confused about one thing.

"Sally's here?" I spoke quietly to him, still not exactly sure how he (or even I) felt about the situation. Trowa nodded to my question.

"She was actually here last night; I talked to her on my way out. She really is the reason that you're being released early; apparently, her conversation with your doctor almost turned ugly. She wanted to stop by but she said she's been swamped between her job here and the Preventers as well."

"What did she say when you told her why I'm here?" I was hesitant to ask; who honestly wants to know the answer to that question?

"I didn't go into detail about it…she was shocked and probably would've dropped everything to come down here and slap you but I told her you'd already heard enough from Heero." I nodded in agreement to that, my thoughts drifting back to Heero's yelling voice. Before I got too absorbed though, I shook my head and turned to Trowa again.

"Thank you Trowa, you have no idea." He nodded to me but I could see the sternness in his features; I waited for him to speak.

"It's not a problem Wufei, just, don't make me regret it." Trowa blinked at me and I lowered my eyes from his; I guess I deserved that. My slightly good mood killed, I sighed remembering that even though I was leaving the hospital therapist I would still be talking to someone…four someones, about what's going on. I took some clothes from Trowa as he handed them to me and slowly slid from my bed. It took me a moment to regain my balance but eventually I made my way to the in-room bathroom to change from my hospital gown; I left the door open a crack as Trowa spoke again.

"And I called Lady Une by the way." I groaned a little on that note; I had forgotten about work entirely.

"Oh great…how did that go?"

"Well, I didn't exactly tell her the truth…but she still told me to tell you that 'you work too hard, no wonder you're sick' and 'to take at least a week off if not longer.'" Emerging from the bathroom ready to go, I looked to Trowa gratefully again; a week off from work might actually be nice for once.

"Thanks again Trowa…though, that must double your work load for the week." He shook his head at me nonchalantly.

"Yeah but it's not a big deal. You usually do all the tough stuff anyway; it's probably my turn anyhow." Thinking about it for a moment, I nodded to him in agreement but I still felt pretty bad about it; I just kept piling on the burden.

"Well, let me know if I can do anything from home to help. And thanks again." Nodding once more, Trowa asked me if I was ready and I quickly followed him out the door; I was more then ready to get out of this hospital.

The drive home was silent, the impending conversation awaiting me on my mind the whole trip home. I wondered briefly if Heero was still as angry as he was the night before and how everyone else was doing. I could only hope that everything was calm or at least that if things got bad that someone was calm enough to step in and save me. As we approached the mansion, I took a deep breath in preparation. After we got out of the car, I walked with Trowa toward the front door and waited as he opened it before letting me walk inside first. Immediately I saw Quatre, Heero and Duo sitting in the living room waiting. They all looked back upon hearing the door close again and Quatre eventually got up and walked towards Trowa and I. He looked to me sympathetically.

"Glad to be home?" I nodded to him choosing not to speak in that moment. "Well, take a minute to yourself and then we'd all like to talk if you wouldn't mind. I set up a guest room for you just in case…but stay wherever you're most relaxed."

I nodded again to him appreciating his kindness in the matter before turning and making my way down the hall to my own room. I pushed against the door gently and sighed in relief at the familiarity of my own space; my comfort and safety all in one package. I quickly moved toward my bed, deftly straining my eyes away from a certain portion of my floor. (Although my carpet just happens to be dark red in shade, that's not an event I'm likely to forget in the near future.) I sat down on the edge of my bed trying to gather my thoughts the best that I could, unconsciously fidgeting with the bandages still around my wrists. I knew the questions that they would ask; why, how long, with what and yet I still had no idea how to explain the answers in a way that they could understand. Despite the fact that I know all the others have been through so much like me, it's quite hard to explain my exact situation. Still, I had to face them sometime and I guess it had to be now.

Taking a deep breath, I gathered my strength and calmly made my way back to the living room where the other four awaited. I could feel my stomach doing flips as I grew closer and closer; my throat closed completely when I walked through the doorway to the living room. Everyone looked up at me abruptly but I turned away from their stares opting to head toward the kitchen. I muttered something about getting some water and quickly took refuge in front of the fridge.

I'm supposed to be stronger than this…why is this so hard? I released a few shaky breaths but felt no different; nothing would be able to release this tension. When I felt a hand on my shoulder, it took all I had not to completely incapacitate the owner. Instead, I jumped and turned on them finding it to be Quatre. He looked at me apologetically but I just shook my head, it was my own fault for being so jumpy. I opened the fridge and grabbed a bottled water looking back to Quatre as he spoke.

"Wufei, if you're not ready…" He trailed off; I'm sure, as he saw my expression drop. He silently questioned me and I saw his eyes shine with sympathy and genuine concern. I found that I had to pull myself away from his eyes. Trying to shake it off, I took a deep breath.

"Honestly…I'll never be _ready_ for this conversation. I just…I don't know what to tell you." Quatre nodded pensively but I knew that somehow he understood what I meant. Still, I lowered my head feeling ashamed somehow; I couldn't even talk to my closest friends for crying out loud. As I silently berated myself, I didn't notice Quatre trying to get my attention.

"Do you think we can try?" I finally glanced at Quatre again and he continued.

"I know that this is hard…but maybe if we can just try to understand, we could help you, Wufei we want to help you…if it becomes too much, you can walk away. I promise." He smiled and I couldn't help but feel a little at ease; Quatre just tended to have that affect on everyone. Defeated by his offer, I nodded and let him pull me back into the living room. I felt the pressure again as three sets of eyes turned on me but a small squeeze to my shoulder reminded me that they all just wanted the best for me. I can do this; I tried to assure myself as I sat in the armchair to the left of the couch. The others stared at me seemingly as uncomfortable as I was until Quatre sat down as well and cleared his throat.

"All right, well, obviously we're all here for Wufei because we simply want what's best for him by understanding what he's going through, so let's all try to keep a lid on any anger okay?" Quatre looked to me reassuringly, pressing for me to say something. Extremely nervous, I stared down at my hands.

"Um…well, I don't really know…why don't you guys ask questions?"

"When did it start?" Oh yeah, Heero jumped on that opportunity. I saw Duo elbow his boyfriend but Heero didn't bother reacting focusing instead on watching me. Realizing that I could either face the music now or later, I decided to get this over with.

"It started during the war, I don't remember exactly when though."

"Do you remember why?" I didn't have to look up to recognize Trowa's voice; his question only made me sigh more.

"It initially started for obvious reasons; the war, the killing, losing my entire colony and home. I was angry for all of those things and angry at myself for not handling it."

"But the war is over and it's still happening?" I nodded in response glancing at everyone's pensive expressions.

"How often does it happen?" I grimaced at Quatre's question; let the shame begin.

"Sometimes once a month, other times more than twice a week; it all depends on what's going on." I waited for the shock to settle before more questions continued.

"Well, why did it carry over after the war?" I shrugged shyly at that; I didn't think that any answer I would give could suffice. Could I really expect the others to accept 'I just wanted to feel real' as my excuse?

"Answer the question Wufei." Heero's tone was stern again but this time it immediately got on my nerves. I sighed heavily on purpose but Heero was unfazed.

"It's not one constant reason; something just triggers it like a domino effect. You feel worthless and upset, you go off to be alone and you cut yourself just to watch something bleed. Sometimes I just get so upset with myself or angry and I feel like I can't take it out any other way. It's almost a sense of calm and control you gain when nothing else is making any sense."

"Oh, so that's what this is; you just need to hurt something enough to see it bleed and feel like you're in control?"

"No, Heero, it's not as simple as that, that's only one component of it all.You just, you can't fully understand unless you've been there."

"Then how are we supposed to understand?" I released an aggravated sigh and stared over at Heero.

"You're supposed to fucking listen."

In a split second decision, I shot up out of my chair and started to leave the room. Sure, I was being stubborn and over-dramatic but honestly how was I supposed to talk about something like this in that kind of atmosphere?

"Chang…" I turned around again at Heero's voice and I could feel my fingernails digging into my palms.

"What do you want from me Heero? It is fine if you want to be angry with me, or if you don't like my answers but the situation is what it is and I can't do much more to explain it. So don't treat me like I'm not trying because I'm not going to take it." I probably should've felt bad as I saw Heero's guilt-ridden face but I didn't care. Before anything else was said, I walked away entirely and out of the living room.

My blood was almost boiling with the anger I was feeling as I closed myself in my room. Leaning my back against the door, I tilted my head back and tried to calm myself down. Sadly, my first instinct was that I wanted to cut myself and after a moment I started walking toward my bathroom only to stop as I heard a few taps on the door.

"Wufei…are you okay?" Quatre's shy voice called through the wood and I couldn't help but push myself back toward the door and open it. Quatre's face lit up some at seeing me but he was obviously still timid about it. I stepped out of the way and invited him at least out of hallway. Once my door was only slightly open still, I turned to face him.

"I'm not going back out there, not if he's going to talk to me like that." I tried to keep my voice low but I had no power over how angry I sounded. When Quatre put his hand on my shoulder, I realized that I was quivering all over with the emotions I was feeling. I stopped and took a deep breath.

"Wufei you know that Heero just can't control himself sometimes, please don't let that stop you. He's just as concerned as the rest of us."

"Yeah? Well he's doing a damn good job of showing it." When Quatre frowned, I closed my eyes and sighed heavily, "I'm sorry Quatre, I just…I don't know if any answers I have for you will ever make sense enough to show you why…not right now at least."

I glanced back to Quatre hopefully; maybe if some time went by we could all relax a little and handle things better. When he nodded to me, I silently thanked him as he turned to walk away. Shutting my door again, I approached my bed and felt oddly calmer compared to how I felt when Quatre first came in. I glanced at the clock and saw that I still a couple more hours until dinner so, after getting no sleep at the hospital, I decided to take a nap.

* * *

Later on in the evening, I awoke when I heard another tapping on my door. Realizing that I hadn't even slept under my comforter, I quickly hopped out of bed and headed toward my door. I opened it revealing Trowa; he looked to me inquiringly.

"We're ordering some pizza; do you have a preference on toppings?" I blinked for a moment; I guess I figured that Duo would cook as usual but apparently not. I decided to voice my question.

"Duo's not cooking?" Trowa shook his head.

"No; he's actually already gone straight to bed or his room at least. And Heero went off to get some work done so it'll probably be just you, Quatre and I." I furrowed my brow at this. When I noticed Trowa still waiting for my answer, I replied.

"Oh, no preference. I'm fine with whatever you guys decide. Thanks." Trowa nodded to me before walking away. I on the other hand didn't move just yet, my mind currently swirling with thoughts.

Duo was denying himself dinner and all by himself in his room while Heero, who on any normal day would've been at Duo's side comforting him, was secluding himself as well…and there was only one difference between today and any normal day. I cursed a little to myself as I thought about it and decided that I was going to try and talk to Duo. Heero right now I could care less, but Duo hadn't spoken a word since I'd seen him and that was just wrong.

As I quietly made my way down the hallway, I passed by the living room where Quatre and Trowa seemed to be talking. I might've stopped in to say something but I realized they were talking about me and immediately quieted my footsteps listening in.

"I'm just saying that for his own good, if he's not going to talk to us then maybe he should go back to the hospital therapist. I want to be able to help him to the best of my abilities but until we know the details of all this, how are we supposed to handle anything?" Trowa's quiet voice stung but Quatre's interrupted with some hope.

"Don't act like you haven't known Wufei for all this time. Have you ever thought of him to be suicidal before now? Look, let's just give him some time to sort things out for himself before we make any decisions. We're all upset but we're not the ones who ultimately have to deal with all of it; he'll come to us eventually in his own way."

"I know…I just don't want him hurting himself again…" I walked away after that remembering my original destination. I tried not to think too much about what I had heard as I approached Duo's room. I knocked on the door but getting no response, I tried the handle and found it was open. I stuck my head in to see if Duo was actually sleeping but almost immediately saw the bathroom light on. I headed toward the door and quickened my pace when I heard Duo sniffling.

"Duo?" I tapped on the door to make sure I got his attention and I heard him rustling around. "Duo, it's Wufei; are you all right?"

"I'm fine. Leave me alone." He didn't really sound very convincing so I tried the handle but it was locked.

"You're obviously upset about something."

"Wufei, I said go away." I glared at his response and tried the handle again.

"Maxwell, just let me - ." I jolted forward as the door swung open revealing an upset and angry Duo. He glared right through me and spoke.

"I said that I wanted to be left alone. If you can have your privacy to do whatever you want, so can I. Why do you care anyway?" I blinked at Duo's attitude and furrowed my brow worriedly.

"I only wanted to see if you were okay." I stopped talking as Duo sighed. I thought he was going to concede to talking about whatever was bothering him but instead he just rolled his eyes at me.

"Look Wufei, things don't just go right back to normal after something bad happens, you of all people should know that by now."

Okay, that stung. I turned my gaze away from him and eventually turned completely and walked away without saying another word. I heard him slam the door behind me but I felt too numb to respond. I briefly heard Trowa paying the pizza guy and I walked toward the kitchen but only to grab a few slices and excuse myself to my room where I didn't even eat them.

I'd never seen Duo so angry in my life, at least not toward any of his closest friends. And for him to purposely say something to hurt me; my brain simply wouldn't accept it yet there I sat staring blankly at my wall trying to figure it out. Eventually I went looking for my knife but remembered that I had dropped it and it had probably been taken and hidden away somewhere. Ultimately, I found myself lying in bed slowly going crazy as Duo's words kept replaying themselves in my head. Thankfully I finally passed out from exhaustion.

* * *

The next morning I woke up to a very quiet house and remembered that it was Monday and the beginning of my week off. I immediately felt grateful to finally have some quiet time to myself but that ended quickly as my bedroom door opened revealing a smiling face.

"Oh good, you're awake."

---End---

* * *

Why was Duo so angry with Wufei? And Heero too? And why, really, did Wufei try to kill himself? Any guesses?

I'm still not 100 in love with this chapter but overall, I feel it serves its purpose to keep the story going. Over the course of this fan-fiction, I hope to reveal more and more about Wufei's issues and how he handles things. There are many _many _more secrets to come, don't worry. This story is just one massive tangled web of secrets!!

Please review! More reviewsMore inspiration and happiness in a certain fanfic author!!!

Thank you so much for reading!


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